Although I continued to think about the matter, I had no choice but to separate.
There were no third parties, at least on my side. Our marriage had simply been exhausted for a while. It wasn’t enough.
I guess deep down the same thing happened to both of us. That’s why, when I finally decided to talk to Mariana about it, she wasn’t surprised. To think that it took me so long to face the situation to prevent him from suffering, and now I think that Perhaps the whole time we were together with our dead partner hurt more than the separation.. Although if it caused so much damage, she could have also raised it, right?
We had a sincere and reasonable conversation, and we agreed on the central issues, especially what relates to the boys. Emboldened by the talk that flowed without major conflict, and perhaps due to how motivated I felt to get out of this lifeless place I’d been in for too long.I was honest.
—I want to tell you that the money I raised all these years is for the four of us. You, the boys and me. I am going to put together a legal structure to make it safe from third parties. I didn’t steal everything I stole to risk losing it to some opportunist that we could fall in love with tomorrow.
I don’t know why I blatantly claimed that I had not been as holy as I had shown myself to be during the eight years in which I was the blameless president of a large multinational. After a lifetime together of hiding, I think I finally took that risk because at some point I needed to show myself to her as I am.
Mariana looked at me with a strange expression, more of surprise than horror, and before I could try to clarify the unexplainable, she said something that left me frozen:
—Tell me more that turns me on…
I had spent a large part of my life carrying the guilt alone for secretly stealing from that perverse company, which only required my efforts and total dedication in exchange for empty promises that were never fulfilled. Knowing that they would discard me at the first opportunity when I was no longer useful to them and they could replace me with someone cheaper and younger.
I had never shared it with Mariana to protect her, but also because I was convinced that she would not understand me.. How could I think otherwise when she was an anti-corruption officer for a top-tier company, and had spent the last twenty years fighting dishonest employees like me?
And I wonder: when we hide something in a relationship, what happens to us that we can’t tell it? Is it all the responsibility of the one who hides? And what happens to the other person who tells us that he does not want to or cannot listen?
We had always appeared perfect and pristine to each other, although in doing so we created an emotional distance between us that grew over the years. We were taught to be correct, not authentic. And the correction sustained over time became an emotional prison. We never managed to measure its devastating effect in the long term.
How is it possible that my practices unholy Instead of making her angry, will they warm her up? Why did she also show a mask for so many years when the reality was very different? Did you get tired of what you do, or did you live all these years in a lie?
I didn’t tell him anything else, it was too late. I didn’t feel like warming her up, much less fucking with her. Plus, I felt like an idiot. Would that feeling of strangeness be mutual?
For so many years I refused to acknowledge that I was a disloyal executive. That’s why I couldn’t see what was driving me to act that way. It is obvious that money gave me security. I know it doesn’t buy happiness or health, but it can solve many problems ranging from survival to recognition. Furthermore, money is a language that everyone understands.
Maybe Due to this overvaluation of money, it was difficult for me to learn that pursuing it enhanced my vulnerabilities and fears.. They were still there, they grew bigger, they silently dominated me. The opposite of what I was looking for.
When I was able to assume that money was not going to repair any of my deep shortcomings, I began to accept and live reasonably with my true lifelong darkness. Why couldn’t I talk about any of this with Mariana? We talk about so many topics, some so trivial and others so important, and In twenty years together I couldn’t undress myself emotionally.
I didn’t know how to do it. I only felt that I had to be correct, when in reality I was hiding the fact that my transgressions had a reason. Transgressions that were in the service of something much more important: getting out by any means of the place of extreme vulnerability in which I had felt all my life.
What inhibits us from showing ourselves how we are, the fear of being judged? How far can we go to cover up what leaves us exposed?
With sadness I have to admit that even at home we pretended not to be who we were, when we probably looked quite similar. We spent our entire marriage not being able to see each other as we are. We hid from each other, believing that the person next to us could never understand us, or worse yet, that they would run away if they really knew us.
How could we not separate if we lived together for so long feeling so alone? We shared intimacy for decades, being two perfect strangers.
* Juan Tonelli is a writer and speaker, author of the book “An umbrella against a tsunami”. www.youtube.com/juantonelli
