On Wednesday I flew from Canberra to Dubbo and back again. To help pass the time, I decided to read a book. The bookshop at Canberra airport had a shelf dedicated to Mark Latham’s latest offering, A conga line of suckholes. It was my third Latham book; Latham’s seventh.
My first Latham book was Civilising Global Capital. I hated it. It was a turgid, pompous head wank, a never-ending story spanning some 440 pages of pseudo-academic gobbledygook. For sure, there were some bloody good ideas there, but they would have been better expressed in plain English in under 100 pages.
It was with some trepidation I plunged into my second Latham book, the Latham Diaries. To my surprise, I really enjoyed it. I wrote then, “it is a book packed with insights on Australian politics and the key policy debates between 1994 and 2004. It’s a passionate insider’s view: biased, at times jaundiced and occasionally over the top. It is as Latham claimed, politics in the raw. I found it a bloody good read. Four stars.â€
My third Latham book, A conga line of suckholes, is simply a collection of quotes and anecdotes sorted alphabetically by category. It is as described in its subtitle: Mark Latham’s book of quotations. According to Latham,
During my time in politics I not only kept a diary of events … but also a collection of quotes and anecdotes. In our daily lives we all come across words that leave a lasting impression, whether in the form of favourite sayings or telltale stories. In my case when something caught my eye I would jot it down or rip it out, and then keep it in a large blue folder on my desk. Over two decades I built up a substantial collection: some of it amusing, some of it philosophical, all of it (in my eyes, at least) an interesting reflection on public life.
Where do I begin? It was not amusing. It was not philosophical. It was not an interesting reflection on public life. The book is crap.
The quotes are (barely) of a sophomore standard. Most you would be familiar with. They can be summed up in three words: trite, hackneyed, and prosaic. The monthly Reader’s Digest has more insightful and amusing quotes that tell us more about life. For my flight to Dubbo, the Reader’s Digest would have been the better investment.
The saddest thing was Mark Latham’s need to quote himself throughout. Thank god this guy did not become Prime Minister. He is clearly long on self-delusion and short on humility. A quick flick through the index revealed more quotes attributed to Latham than anyone else. Latham would have us know that his words are many times more valuable than the other great men and women of history. He is a legend in his own mind.
I can think of no better demonstration of the book’s failing than to regurgitate Latham on Latham. Unfortunately, you would not be surprised to learn that the Latham quotes are among the longest in the book. Even avoiding the prolix and interminable Latham, these quotes reveal the banality of a conga line of suckholes.
[Economic rationalism] is a slogan for people who don’t like the market economy, but don’t know what to do about it.
Take your badge off, Adolf. (Latham to Ruddock)
Some people see the media as a profession or a career. It is, in fact, a sickness: a crippling addition to public voyeurism.
An American wag once described politics as showbiz for ugly people. In this country, political commentary is payback from ugly old men.
Beneath every problem is a process which needs fixing.
My “favourite†Latham quotes were the ones that were not Latham. For some reason I cannot explain, Latham attributed each of the following quotes to himself. I will let you be the judge.
[Keating] on Stephen Smith (Shadow Minister for Communications): ‘How could he ever handle Packer? He’s always between a shit and a shiver’.
At Caucus, Keating recalls Arthur Caldwell’s advice: ‘The secret to politics is to be at the first Caucus meeting after each election’.
Carl Jung was right: churches do not encourage religious experiences by individuals because it might make the priests redundant.
As I said, “the book is crap”. (Perhaps quoting yourself is contagious). Zero stars out of five.
